


Desired Things

by fritzfics



Series: Hammock 'verse [2]
Category: Star Trek (2009), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pre-Slash, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2013-05-24
Packaged: 2017-12-12 19:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/815149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fritzfics/pseuds/fritzfics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year ago, Jim helped him let go of his grief for his father, by being there and not letting Leonard push him away.  Now it was Leonard’s turn to do the same for Jim and help him understand that a birthday should just be a birthday.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>This is the second story in the Hammock ‘verse.  It follows Part 1:<a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/393316%22">The Most Beautiful, The Most Immediate Breath of Life</a>.  It would be helpful to read that one first.  It precedes Part 3: <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/303792">A Good Dose of Hammock</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desired Things

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from the Latin meaning of _Desiderata_. _Desiderata_ is written by Max Ehrmann. Even though this poem is reportedly in the public domain, no copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> I’ve not been to Lake Shasta, so I have taken some artistic license describing the area. I have seen a number of pictures and videos of the lake and the area around it. It looks absolutely lovely, and I wouldn’t mind going there someday.
> 
> And finally, a big thank you to secretsolitaire for stepping in and helping me wrestle this into a more presentable story. I really appreciate all the work you put into this and the thoughts and suggestions you gave me. Hopefully, I’ve learned from your tutelage. I have tinkered with it, so the mistakes are mine and mine alone.

“…And then Jim told him that it was on the other shuttle.” 

Ellie slapped her hand over her mouth. “He didn’t,” she said, talking and laughing through her fingers.

“Oh, yeah. He did. ” Leonard leaned back in his desk chair with a smug smile, pulling on his lips.

She continued to laugh merrily at the recounting of his latest “Jim Kirk is brilliant, but an idiot” story. He always did love to make his mama laugh. Not that he’d ever tell Jim he used these stories as humorous fodder for his mother. Hell, that was the last thing the kid needed. 

He watched as Ellie McCoy took a cleansing breath, waving her hand beside her face to dry the few tears that had gathered at the corners of her eyes. “Oh, Jim. He _is_ a handful.”

That was the understatement of the year. 

“He sure is,” he said. Damn, it was good to see her happy again. 

“So, Jim’s birthday must be coming up.”

The smile slid off his face. “Yeah? So?” He sat up straight in his chair. Jim’s birthday didn’t bring up happy memories for him. A fact of which his mother was well aware.

” _So_ …” His mother stretched out her own syllable as her eyebrow arched. “What are you going to do to celebrate it?” 

“Mother, Jim doesn’t _like_ to celebrate his birthday,” he curtly reminded her.

She looked at him with a faint hint of disappointment. “That’s probably because he and every other person on the planet are too busy commemorating his father’s death, dear. That don’t mean someone shouldn’t celebrate it with him.” 

Leonard snapped. “Are you fu – kiddin’ me? What’dya want me to do, Mother? I didn’t see hide nor hair of Jim on his birthday last year, as you damn well know. How the hell am I supposed to celebrate with him when he won’t stick around?” 

“It wasn’t your fault, dear,” she said gently.

The words shot through him. “I … know that …” He had to swallow several times to clear his throat as honesty forced its way out. “I should have known, Mom,” he finally said, knowing she most likely could see the truth anyway. “I’m his best friend …. I should have known when he didn’t answer me that morning.” 

“And why didn’t you know?” she asked quietly. Her wise, hazel eyes reflecting her sympathy, did nothing to ease the guilt inside of him.

“Cause I thought it was just Jim’s stupid, crazy schedule,” Leonard muttered. 

Bottom line was it was a poor excuse for not realizing something was up. Jim hadn’t responded to his text that morning, wishing Jim a happy birthday and telling him that they were going out for dinner to celebrate once Leonard got off from work. He should have realized something was wrong when Jim didn’t meet him for their standing Thursday lunch date, too. Instead, like the asshole he was, he was pissed that he had been stood up. Even now, the thought had Leonard shaking his head in disbelief. 

“Mom, he had been gone all day before I realized something was wrong.” He paused before voicing the one thing that still made his heart hurt. “What kind of friend am I when it takes me that long to figure something out?” 

What it had taken was showing up at Jim’s door, only to find out his roommate hadn’t seen him since the night before. _That_ was when Leonard finally started to feel the concern he should have been feeling since that morning. A whole fucking ten hours too late. His concern went off the charts minutes later when a floor mate of Jim’s overheard them and reported that Jim had also missed the Linguistic Club meeting that afternoon. 

Jim would never miss one of those meetings; they were one of the few times he got to irritate Uhura up close and personal. That’s when Leonard knew something was very, very wrong. 

“Leonard.” The softly spoken word jerked him back from his memories, and he saw his mother lean forward, willing him to look her in the eyes. “You _are_ a good friend, Jim’s _best_ friend.” When he clearly dismissed what she said, she frowned. “All right then, what did you do as soon as you knew something wasn’t right?”

He knew what she was trying to do, but it didn’t matter. He had failed to be there for Jim when he needed him. And so soon after Jim had been there for him when he had gotten that letter from his dad. A discussion with his mother wasn’t going to change his feelings about that. 

“Mother.” He couldn’t help the hint of tired annoyance in his voice.

Eleanor McCoy straightened up, giving him the look that he and his father got whenever they were stupid enough to try to be stubborn in her vicinity. “Humor me, Leonard, and answer the question,” she said. 

Leonard sighed. “I waited up the whole night, trying to contact the damn fool and anyone that might be with him.” 

Every half hour on the hour, he tried either to call Jim or to send a message to him, none of which were answered. Leonard contacted every bar, every place that Jim might hang out, only to find they hadn’t seen him since he had been there with Leonard the last time. 

Blind and in the dark. He felt paralyzed, not knowing where to even start looking for Jim. 

With every passing hour, his visions of what had happened to Jim grew steadily worse. The slew of thoughts and fears about Jim being hurt, kidnapped or something more dire, tortured his mind and had him pacing his dorm room as he waited impatiently for the required 24 hours to pass before he could file a missing person’s report with Academy Security. 

He had been bleary-eyed, over-caffeinated and planning what inadequate explanations and platitudes he’d have to say to Jim’s mother by the time Jim walked into Leonard’s dorm room early the next morning, clearly hurting. When Leonard whipped out his tricorder and medkit, ready to treat him, Jim had reluctantly admitted that the worst of his injuries – and there had been many of them – had already been taken care of at a civilian, off-campus clinic that Pike had taken him to earlier that morning. 

To top it all off, while Leonard’s head was still reeling from all the information being picked up by the tricorder he was using to scan Jim, Jim just calmly asked Leonard if he wanted to go have breakfast. All as if nothing was wrong. 

To say that Leonard had torn him a new one was putting it mildly, and the argument that ensued was of epic proportions. 

Shaking his head, Leonard looked back at his mother. “You know that he won’t stick around again. He told me he’s gone off by himself since he turned eleven years old.” That was the first birthday Jim had after his brother had run away. Not that Jim had told him outright. Leonard had to put two and two together to figure that out. “Expectin’ something different this year is just crazy.”

Ellie smiled softly at him. “Nobody ever said that doin’ something right would be easy, dear.” 

Leaning on his elbow, Leonard closed his eyes. He had planned to ignore Jim’s birthday, kowtowing to the kid’s stubborn desire and his own fears. Now it looked like that wasn’t going to happen, all because his mother wanted him to somehow break a decade-long pattern in Jim.

Could he make Jim change? Did he even have the right to try? 

An image of 11-year-old Jim floated up before Leonard’s closed eyes instead of the tall, cocky man that everyone at the Academy knew. Had anyone noticed that Jim went off by himself back when he was a kid? What about the years after that? Had anyone even cared? Or were they too caught up with their own grief on that day? 

A spark of righteous anger grew inside of him. Where in the hell _were_ the adults in Jim’s childhood? How had they just allowed Jim’s birthdays to fade away like that? Jim was only a few years older than Leonard’s own daughter was now when he stopped having birthdays, and there was no way in God’s green earth that Leonard would _ever_ let anyone steal the joy of her birthday from her. 

Opening his eyes, he looked straight into the familiar, comforting gaze that had guided him throughout his life. “You know what they say about a snowball’s chance in hell,” he said.

“I have confidence in you, Leonard. Just use the brain cells that the good Lord gave you. You’ll figure out something.” She gave him a beseeching smile. “Besides, it’s the right thing to do.” 

His fingers traveled the well-worn path across his eyebrows as he tried to work away the tension. “Yeah, well, we might need the Lord,” he muttered. “In all likelihood, without some divine intervention, this ain’t gonna work.” 

Ellie laughed. “Even without that divine intervention, I still have confidence in you, dear. If anyone can get Jim to do something that he thinks he doesn’t want to do, it’d be you.” 

Leonard pointed his finger at the screen. “I think that you’re confusing me with yourself, Mama,” he said. His mother’s answering laughter at least took away some of the heaviness inside him. 

He really didn’t want a repeat of last year, and the thought of Jim spending his birthday alone, getting hurt again, just made his stomach feel like it curled up and died. 

Something must have shown on his face because his mother replied, “Thank you, dear. I’ll help in any way that I can.” 

She looked off to the side at something that caught her attention, before quickly turning back to the comm. “Listen, I have to head out, sweetie. Your great-aunt Susan is expecting me soon.” 

“Tell the old battle-axe I said hi, and tell her to get her damn bunions fixed. We’re tired of hearing about ‘em,” Leonard growled. 

“Leonard, mind your manners. She’s your elder,” Ellie said, a knowing twinkle in her eye. 

“She’s a hypochondriac, is what she is,” Leonard countered.

“Well, she is that, too. Say hello to Jim for me. I’ll be sending him some cookies and a present that you can give him on his birthday. You can tell me all about your plans when we talk next week.” 

He muttered something unintelligible as he rolled his eyes. 

“That’s a good boy. Love you, sweetie. Tell Jim to give me a call sometime when the two of you are together. Talk to you next week.” And the comm went black. 

Leaning forward, Leonard turned off the comm with a flick of his fingers before settling back wearily in his chair. The futility of what his mother wanted him to do pressed down on him. One wrong move and he could easily lose his best friend. 

Maybe his crack about divine intervention wasn’t so far off. If he were a religious man, he might be tempted to send off a prayer or two right about now. 

Leonard turned absentmindedly from side to side, letting the swivel of his desk chair set a methodical, rhythmic pace. How in God’s name was he going to get Jim to stick around, let alone get the kid to celebrate his birthday?

A slight thread of thought tickled at the back of his head, and he stilled the chair as his mind grappled with it. Jim liked to be alone on that day, and in fact insisted on being by himself for the whole 24 hours. Leonard didn’t want Jim to spend his birthday alone, but maybe it would be good enough if the two of them could spend it away, far away from others. 

It would take some very careful planning. He’d have to find a place remote enough to give Jim the seclusion that he needed, and it would take some fast talking and a shitload of luck to get Jim to agree with it, but it had the best chance at working out. 

He sent up a brief thought, thanking whoever or whatever might be listening for his mother, the woman who wasn’t afraid of giving his stubborn ass a swift kick when it needed it. Leonard stood, grabbing his coat off the back of chair, and headed out the door. He didn’t have a lot of time to get things set up, so he’d better get to it. 

His mother was expecting to hear his plans next week, and by God, he was going to give them to her. 

~*~ 

Resting the small but heavy package on his hip, Leonard quickly keyed in the code to his room before taking a furtive glance down the hall. Even though he and his mother had timed the arrival of her package for this afternoon, knowing that Leonard got out of class hours before Jim, he was still nervous Jim might show up and see it, thereby discovering the whole plan and ruining almost two weeks of preparation. 

Things didn’t always go as planned when Jim Kirk was around, and he really didn’t want to tempt that fate right now.

Seeing he was alone in the hall, Leonard felt some of the tension lessen in his chest. He shifted the weight of the package back to both hands as he stepped through the open door and made his way across the room to his bed, placing the box down on top of it. 

Safe… at least for the time being. 

A buzz of anxiety was his constant companion since that comm with his mother ten days ago. He couldn’t help feeling there had been too many days between that day and Jim’s birthday, giving the kid ample time to stumble upon something. Yet there were so many little loose ends, Leonard didn’t know if he’d get them all done before Jim’s birthday this weekend. 

Doubt crept in again. Was he doing the right thing? No matter what he thought of Jim as a little kid, being alone, not celebrating his birthday, when you came right down to it, who was he to say that Jim the man needed to change that? 

He took a deep breath. No. Plans were in motion, and he had a mother bound and determined that Jim was going to have a birthday. Leonard looked down at the package his mother sent. Now was not the time to second-guess himself; he had some presents that he had to squirrel away from some wandering, all-seeing blue eyes. 

Leonard grabbed the side of the box and pulled off the sealant. A small smile lit his face. It had been a long time since he had opened one of his mom’s care packages. Not since the day Jim opened that fateful package well over a year ago. 

After that, Jim maintained he could open all of Leonard’s packages from his mom because the cookies inside were partially his. Not that Leonard put up more than a token complaint. He suspected Jim didn’t get much mail. Besides, Jim got a kick out of seeing what Eleanora McCoy had sent him each month. Leonard would deny it to his dying day, but he loved seeing that wide-eyed and happy look on Jim’s face when he did. 

He just hoped that the same look would be on Jim’s face when Leonard handed these presents to him. 

Man, he was woolgathering today. Leonard threw the sealant over to the side of the bed and reached into the box, pulling out one of the two cookie containers in it. It was the largest one and clearly labeled “For Leonard and Jim.” Leonard set it aside and drew out the second container, seeing a hand-decorated note taped to the top: “For Jim. Happy birthday.” The cookie monster was getting his own damn cookies for once. 

He put Jim’s cookies down on his bed. He was tempted to eat one of the cookies from their shared container, but knowing Jim, the omniscient little shit would probably notice cookie crumbs somewhere or smell them in the air. That would raise all kinds of question that didn’t need to be answered. Besides, he could share them with Jim after they got back. 

If they were still friends by then.

Sighing, Leonard reached back into the box and pulled out a brightly wrapped gift. He squished it with both hands. Had to be another sweater. Leonard added the gift to Jim’s cookies on the corner of his bed. 

With that done, Leonard grabbed the strip of sealant. He needed to hide the evidence. He used his free hand to snatch up the box, taking them both across the room to the recycler, when he felt something slide inside the box. Leonard set the things down on the table and peered inside it. There was another gift there, something that his mother hadn’t mentioned to him in their latest comm. 

It was a small book with a note taped to the cover, and he drew it out, frowning before he started to read it. 

 

_Leonard,_

_I hope you don’t mind that I am sending this to give to Jim. I know that it was your dad’s, but I thought the two of us could give it to Jim for his birthday. You had mentioned his love for poetry, and I thought the first poem in this book was a fitting one for Jim. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether or not to give it to him._

_Love you._

_Mom_

 

Pulling the note carefully off the front, Leonard felt a nostalgic pang when he recognized the volume he held in his hand. It was one of his father’s favorite books, and a host of happy and melancholy memories flooded his mind of the times he’d watched his father read from it, drawing strength from its gentle words. 

Leonard lightly stroked the worn, well-loved cover. He sat down on one of the chairs as he opened the book to the title poem, reacquainting himself with the words his father had loved. It wasn’t until he got almost to the end that the decision to give it to Jim became firm in his mind as well as his heart. 

He was doing the right thing, giving this to Jim and making sure that Jim had an actual birthday this year. Leonard smiled to himself. His mother was a brilliant woman. 

~*~ 

Leonard sat at his desk, nervously tapping his heel against the floor. He had given up trying to stop a long time ago; it just made the minutes he sat here, waiting, pass even slower than they had before. At least this way the tension in his body was being dissipated in some way. 

He looked down at the two bags packed and tucked away by the desk. He had commed Jim an hour ago, asking him to show up here rather than the Mess Hall for their Thursday lunch date. He had arranged through Pike to excuse Jim for his afternoon and Friday classes, as well as his own. Things were all set. Now it was down to this, having Jim show up and getting him to cooperate. 

The most _impossible_ part of the plan. 

His thoughts were yanked back by the sound of the lock opening, and his head shot up as Jim came through the door, asking, “Okay, Bones, why are we meeting _here_ instead of the Mess?” 

Leonard got up and tried to walk casually as he moved closer to Jim. “Because,” he said, hoping that Jim couldn’t hear the nervous pitch to his voice. 

Jim’s head rose like a dog smelling fear and going on alert, his eyes taking in everything in the room within a second or two. It was obvious that Jim had noticed the warmer jacket and casual clothes Leonard was wearing instead of his cadet uniform.

Jim’s shoulders stiffened. “What’s goin’ on?” 

“Well, Jim. It’s a surprise,” Leonard answered lightly, deciding to keep his explanation simple as his mother had suggested.

A hard look appeared in Jim’s eyes. “I don’t like surprises.”

The whole _especially around my birthday_ didn't need to be said. 

Shit. Leonard felt the fledging smile on his face die. He fucked up. He should have known that the kid would never go on blind faith on today of all days. He needed to start over. Leonard took a step forward, reaching out to reassure his friend, and Jim retreated, skittish as a newborn colt, his backwards motion activating Leonard’s door sensor. 

“Jim,” Leonard said in his calmest voice, holding up the palms of his hands in surrender. “Please. Just give me a chance to explain. Okay?” 

Jim stood there, mistrust clearly evident in those blue eyes. Leonard held his breath, fully expecting Jim to leave. He couldn’t keep the sigh of relief from escaping his lips when a minute later, Jim stepped away from the door, letting it close behind him. 

Crossing his arms over his chest, Jim’s tongue flicked over his bottom lip before he commanded, “Go ahead. I’m listening.” 

Leonard took a deep breath and plunged into his explanation, trying to keep away from any mention of birthdays. “I thought we’d both get away for a while … over the weekend … since I had to work so much over the holidays. Got a lead on a cabin up north. I’m told the fishing there is something else. I thought we’d just go there, do some fishing if you wanted. Have some time to ourselves. Whaddaya think?” 

Even before his voice faded away, he could see the storm clouds gathering on Jim’s face. God, he feared this was how Jim was going to react. Now what the hell could he say that would keep this from becoming round two of their biggest fight?

“Jim …” 

Jim shook his head. “Bones, _don’t_. I just wanna …”

Leonard interrupted, going purely on instinct and moving over to his friend, his hands up in a placating position. “Please, Jim. I don’t want either of us to go through what we did last year.” He reached out, hoping the movement wouldn’t cause a clearly agitated Jim to take off out the door. “Look, a friend and patient of mine said the cabin is on this great place called Shasta Lake. He said since it’s right after the holidays, the neighbors will all be gone. There probably won’t be anyone else on that side of the lake, so we’ll have it all to ourselves. If you want to go off and be by yourself for a while tomorrow, that’s fine, as long as you let me know where you are and how long I should wait before I get worried.” 

Jim continued to glare at him, making his heart sink, but Leonard wasn’t going to give up now, not when everything was in place. 

“Please, Jim?” he pleaded, not caring if he was begging. 

Leonard stood stock-still, afraid to even blink, as Jim’s eyes bored into his, trying to detect any subterfuge in what Leonard had told him. 

After what seemed like eons, Jim asked, suspicion loud and clear in his tone, “So, it’s just two guys having a fishing weekend?” 

“Well, mostly,” Leonard slowly admitted, not wanting to outright lie. 

Jim shook his head, his lips pursed in a hard, straight line, and he turned sharply around to the door. 

Leonard could feel his plans, his friendship with Jim, start to crack and tumble around him, and he hastily threw out his one and only ace. “Hey, I have orders from my _mother_ , and you know what she’s like when she has a burr under her saddle.” 

Jim drew up short and looked back over his shoulder. “Ellie? What the hell does she have to do with this?”

“She’s the one that told me under no circumstances was I supposed to let you spend your birthday alone.” Jim rolled his eyes and shook his head. “No, wait, Jim! I get it! I really do. If you want some personal space tomorrow, fine. You can have it. I just want to be around so in case … you know … you want someone there for you,” Leonard fumbled out. 

“Why?” Jim asked as he glared over his shoulder. There was anger, betrayal, hurt and pain in that look, but there was also something else in Jim’s eyes. 

“Because we’re friends, Jim, and friends are there for each other in hard times and in easy times.” Leonard gave him a wistful smile. “You’ve done the same for me.” 

Neither one of them moved. Would Jim’s next steps be the last ones he took through Leonard’s door? Seconds ticked by. Leonard said a small prayer of thanks when Jim finally turned around. Jim was clearly still angry with him, but at least he wasn’t posed to go out the door. 

“So if I want to go off by myself, you won’t give me any shit?” Jim asked, his eyes determined and uncompromising. Leonard knew in his gut that this would be a deal breaker if he didn’t agree to it.

Leonard braced himself and met Jim’s look, answering as honestly and as openly as he could. “Well, as best as I can promise, I’ll try not to give you shit as long as you let me know _before_ you go off all by your lonesome.

And that was as honest as he could be. Because as far as he was concerned, having Jim wander off in some godforsaken hills in the wilderness would be a whole hell of a lot worse than wandering around the streets of San Francisco. He at least trusted Jim’s fighting ability against the two-legged assholes that lived here, compared to fending against whatever animals might be up in those hills. 

Several moments passed as Jim digested that. “Okay.” 

Leonard felt his lungs take a normal-sized inhale for the first time since Jim walked in the door. “Okay,” he echoed back as relief washed through him. 

Walking back to the desk, Leonard bent down and grabbed both bags. He slung his over his shoulder and handed Jim’s off to him. “Let’s go,” he said, motioning Jim to the door with a sweep of his arm.

“Now?” Jim frowned as he took the strap of the bag and hooked it over his shoulder. 

“Yeah, now. I borrowed a car for us. Supplies are already in it. All we need is our clothes, and I took the liberty of packing some things for you and me.” He patted the bag hanging by his hip. “There’s fishing equipment at the cabin.” 

“What about our classes?” Jim asked, clearly surprised that Leonard was even considering ditching them. 

“Already cleared through Pike.” He grabbed Jim and turned him back to the door before he could change his mind, pushing him so that the sensors would open the door. “Let’s go, kid,” Leonard said, as he led Jim out into the hallway. “I can hear the fish callin’ us from here.” 

~*~

Leonard drew back his arm in a familiar and practiced motion, watching as his fishing line sailed out effortlessly over the glassy waters of the lake. The _zip_ of the line and the soft _plunk_ of the weight hitting the water were the only things to break the quiet other than the occasional tapping of a hidden woodpecker, the scolding call of a chickadee, and the intermittent whisper of the breeze. 

Standing on the driftwood-strewn shore, Leonard reeled in his line before setting the drag and taking another look around him. He spotted a blue-gray and white kingfisher perched across the way on a low hanging branch dipping out over the water. Maybe he'd finally found a spot where the fish were biting. 

God, he didn’t want to return to the cabin with an empty bucket. 

“Hope this spot is better than the last two.” The words barely left his lips before he guffawed. Guess he wasn’t as used to spending hours in the quiet as he thought; now he was starting to talk to himself. 

He took a deep lungful of the cool, pine-scented air as he watched the fading ripples from his line widen slowly out over the water’s surface, disturbing the mirrored reflection of the tree-covered hills from across the lake. His eyes were pulled up to those hills, and he drank in the wondrous sight of the different hues of green that the afternoon sun was highlighting on the slopes. 

He smiled softly to himself. Damn, he missed this.

The sight of Mt. Shasta off in the distance and the rugged peaks of the foothills between the hills surrounding the lake seemed to enclose him in what his father had called “Nature’s Beauty.” He wasn’t a man who would wax poetic like his dad and Jim would probably have done, but even he had to admit it was almost idyllic here. 

It was exactly what he had hoped it would be: a relaxing place to get Jim away from anything or anyone that might have wanted to turn today into a memorial for Jim’s father rather than letting the kid have a normal birthday like anyone else. 

Jim. 

Leonard sighed as he pulled gently on the pole in his hand, making his line snake through the water. Just as he'd said he would, Jim had taken off that morning, hell bent and determined to spend time alone with his thoughts. 

“Damn kid. Probably thinking something foolhardy like he shouldn’t be here instead of his father or other dumb shit like that,” Leonard muttered to himself and the kingfisher along the way. 

It had been hard, seeing Jim leave early this morning. Even though every micron of his being wanted to shake Jim or pull him to his chest and hug the sad thoughts out of him, Leonard had let him go, just as he’d promised. The last image he had of his friend before the door closed behind him was the grim, sad lines over that handsome and expressive face.

Stilling his hand, Leonard let his line drift in the slight current of the lake. It wasn’t that he didn’t think Jim had a right to mourn the loss of his father. Hell, he’d be the last one to ever think that, considering his fucked-up grieving process for his own dad. That was just it. He had been fucked up, but Jim had been there for him at a time when his own grief for his father had overwhelmed him. 

His comm beeped, the noise alien and foreign in the cool air, and his thoughts were pulled abruptly back to the present. Juggling his fishing pole, he pulled his communicator out of his pocket and flipped it open to read the simple message: _I’m safe_.

Leonard stared at the two small words, wishing he could glean his friend’s thoughts from looking at them. Jim had been sending the same message every two hours now since leaving a little before dawn. 

Leonard bent down, resting the handle of his pole on the ground, shoving three good-sized rocks around it to hold it up and in place, leaving his hands free so that he could send an answering message: _Thanks for letting me know. Where are you at?_

He stood for several minutes, waiting and hoping against hope that he would get an answer this time, but just like the times before, his comm remained silent. 

Guess it was Jim’s way of saying he wanted to be left alone. 

At least the kid was following the demands that Leonard had made that morning, even though Jim complained loudly and bitterly about them. Tough shit. No way in hell would he have let Jim go without the promise of a regularly scheduled check-in _or_ without a phaser in his pocket. Not after they heard about the threat of a bear last night from the proprietor of the lone store this side of the lake where they had stopped to purchase bait. 

Leonard pulled his eyes from the device in his hand and scanned the forest-covered hills surrounding him. All he saw was miles and miles of trees and no sign of his friend. With the eight-kilometer radius the two of them had agreed upon, Jim could be just about anywhere. 

Leonard tucked the communicator back into his pocket. Guess he should be grateful for even this small amount of communication. At least Jim wasn’t missing in action like last year. He just wished the kid would let him do something for him. Leonard McCoy took care of people. That’s what he did, and his very nature was pleading to be able to do something, anything to help his friend through all of this. 

Ah, hell. It had been almost eight hours and the kid hadn’t changed his pattern. Why would he do so now?

Standing on the rocks along the shore, Leonard turned his thoughts back to his fishing and bent down to pick up his pole. This was much easier to think about, and maybe he should try and focus on that or they wouldn’t be having anything for dinner except the few canned supplies they'd brought along. 

Leonard jiggled the line, hoping to tempt some of the trout in the lake. The red and yellow plastic ball rode the waves before settling back down. A slight pull on the pole made the bobber move forward, and Leonard watched as it sank down, only to rise back up to the surface and once again float quietly. 

Damn. He thought he might have something there. He looked over his shoulder and checked the position of the sun, not yet covered by the hills behind his back. He only had a couple of hours left before sunset. If he was going to catch their dinner, he’d better reel in some big fish pretty damn soon. Leonard employed a time-honored move that his father had taught him, hoping to tempt some of the fish to his bait.

His actions were second nature to him after all the hours he had spent fishing with his dad. A warm feeling came over Leonard as he stood in the fading afternoon sun. Fishing was forever wrapped around the memories of the hours and days he and his dad had spent together, some of the best ones from his childhood. 

The fact that he could stand here, fishing and looking back on them with fondness and a little longing instead of the crushing pain he would have felt fourteen months ago, was all due to Jim. 

And damn it, Jim should have the same chance. 

The slight dip of the bobber under the surface of the water pulled his attention away from thoughts of his friend. The fish was back. Leonard watched the plastic bulb bob up and down several times before it was pulled completely under, and he yanked his rod back sharply to set the hook before reeling the line in a few turns. It was a feisty one. And after the total shut-out of the rest of the day, Leonard was ready for the fight. 

Leonard allowed the fish to pull out his line before turning the drag lever to slow the fish up. His daddy had always told him to let the drag and the fish do the work for him. Each time he felt the fish fighting him, he relaxed his pull on the rod and eased back on the drag, keeping his line from breaking and letting the fish tire itself out. Finally, Leonard reeled the fish closer to the rocky shore. He could see it a few inches below the surface, and he let the drag do its job the last time before slipping the fish up onto the rocks. 

It was a big one. Or at least, one that would definitely give them something to eat for dinner. He put it into the bucket of water by his feet, efficiently removing the hook. 

A quick movement across the way caught his eye, and Leonard watched the patient kingfisher take flight, only to swoop down into the water and come back up with a squirming fish in its orange claws. 

“That better have not been the last fish out there, you little thief,” he called out to his feathered companion. 

Reaching into the bait container for another worm, Leonard baited his hook. He really needed to catch at least one more good-sized fish, or Jim would tease the shit out of him about being a lousy fisherman. 

At least the normal Jim would. Maybe not the one that had walked out the cabin door this morning.

Leonard swung back his arm, letting his line sail over the water, landing it close to where a fallen tree stuck out in the water. Exactly where he had been aiming. He reeled in the line slightly, just to give the right amount of tension to it, before settling down to wait – and ponder once again. 

His dad always said that fishing was good for pondering. Ever since the early morning rays had hit the lake, that was all he had done, and he was still nowhere closer to an answer to the question that had plagued him all day. 

How could he respect Jim’s need to mourn the loss of his dad, but at the same time help Jim see that he had the right to celebrate his birthday? 

It was almost like Jim’s heart and mind were locked twenty-four years in the past during the twenty-four hours of his birthday. Leonard needed some way to get his friend’s head back in the here and now where it belonged. 

Leonard grimaced. What he wouldn’t give to have Jim here on the shore with him, trading fishing stories, spending time together where Leonard could keep an eye on the kid instead of having him off who-knew-where. Leonard’s frustrated release of breath sounded loud in the quiet around him. 

Looking up, Leonard checked the position of the sun again. Not too many hours of sunshine left. 

Wait. Had they negotiated a meeting time? 

With them butting heads this morning about Jim comming him on a regular basis, Leonard had been so focused on that, he hadn’t even thought about when Jim should come in from the hills. Had Jim mentioned when he would be back? Fear started to creep up his spine. Jim wouldn’t do something stupid like stay out all night, would he? 

He was afraid to answer his own question.

Reaching into his pocket, Leonard pulled out his communicator to demand an answer from Jim. Let’s just see if the kid could ignore him this time. 

A loud, sharp retort of twigs breaking echoed from the woods to his left, and he snapped his head to see what caused the sound. The way the lake nestled between the hills made every sound reverberate, but if he had to guess, it wasn’t something small. Putting the communicator back into his pocket, Leonard switched his pole to the other hand and reached for his phaser. 

He hadn’t seen any bears or other carnivorous creatures since he had been out here, but that didn’t mean they weren’t around. Several species had a more nocturnal feeding time, and fish were a staple of many of their diets. 

The noises off to his left became a steady, continuous rhythm. There was definitely something making its way through the trees down to the lake. Leonard lay down the pole and turned, straining his eyes, so that he could get off a clean shot when the animal broke through the tree line. 

The sight of a blond head of hair, moving between two trees in the near distance, sent a wave of relief flooding through him, and Leonard quickly put the phaser back before Jim could see. Leonard was back to moving his line gently through the water as Jim stepped out of the forest. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Jim made his way down the shore, stepping assuredly over the rocks and fallen tree limbs that littered the shoreline. 

“Jim,” Leonard said, casually acknowledging his friend, as he pretended to take his attention off his fishing. 

“Did you see the bear?” Jim asked as he walked the last few meters to Leonard’s side. 

“Bear?” Leonard scanned the surrounding trees before returning to his friend. “You mean that you saw that bear that store keeper was talking about?”

“Yeah,” Jim answered nonchalantly as he stole a look into Leonard’s catch bucket, his eyes widening at the sight of the lone occupant in the water. 

“Did it try and attack you?” Leonard asked, visually checking his friend for signs of injury. 

“Nah, I was downwind from it, and it didn’t see me,” Jim said. “But I had to come and check on you to make sure you were all right since it came from this direction.” 

Leonard’s eyes grew wide as he again swept the area around them, wondering how close the animal had come to his location, before he shook his head. “No, I didn’t see it or hear it.” 

“Well, you’re lucky that the smell of all those fish you caught didn’t attract him.” The small smirk peeking through the mask of melancholy on Jim’s face was like the welcome sight of the sun breaking through clouds – even if the jerk was disparaging his fishing ability. 

“Ha, ha,” Leonard grumbled as he pulled slightly on his line, keeping any answering smile off his face. 

“No, seriously, Bones, the little fella looks kind of lonely in there,” Jim said as he knelt by the bucket and tilted it side to side. 

“Little? I’ll have you know that is a good-sized fish,” Leonard said. Hell, it would make a couple of great fillets for the two of them. 

“Yeah, but I thought you promised me fish for breakfast, too. This little guy isn’t gonna stretch that far,” Jim said as he stood back up and pulled the backpack off his shoulders, putting it down alongside the cooler at Leonard’s side. Jim looked around the pile of gear. “Guess all this fancy fishing equipment doesn’t make a good fisherman."

Now that was just below the belt. A man’s fishing ability was something sacred, something that had to be defended. 

“Just because you think fishing is using a pole, some string, a hook and some marshmallows, doesn’t mean one can’t use good equipment. Sometimes the fish just don’t wanna bite, Jim,” said Leonard.

“Hey, fish _love_ marshmallows and I can prove it.” 

Jim leaned down and grabbed one of the extra fishing poles that Leonard had brought along. He bent down, unzipping a pocket in his backpack, and pulled out a familiar bag of marshmallows. He stood before tucking the handle of the pole under his arm to free his other hand. Leonard watched as he broke apart a large marshmallow and baited the hook with the three tiny white pieces. Clearly, Jim had done that a time or two. 

“You know, those marshmallows were supposed to be for some s’mores this weekend,” Leonard said with his eyebrow raised, watching as Jim just smiled knowingly and readied his pole. 

Once that was done, Jim grabbed the handle and flicked his wrist a couple of times, testing the weight and flexibility of the pole. His eyes widened and his lips smiled briefly in satisfaction. 

“This is a whole lot nicer than the poles Sam and I used to use,” Jim said before positioning his hand and hooking the line under his index finger with ease. “Guess I’ll see if I can remember how to cast.” 

Jim drew back his arm so that the rod was over his shoulder, and with a smooth and natural move, he snapped his arm forward. Jim’s line sailed out over the lake, landing on the opposite side of the fallen tree limb from Leonard’s line. 

It was a precision cast, and Leonard closed his mouth with a snap, but not before he saw a smart-assed grin appear on his friend’s face. 

“You’re a damn ringer, Mr. ‘I just used some string and a hook to catch fish,’” Leonard groused, quoting the comment Jim had made on their trip up here. “And you’re a goddamn liar, Jim Kirk. I should’ve known better than listen to you.” 

Jim calmly adjusted the slack on his line before he turned to look innocently at Leonard, the beginnings of a twinkle in his eyes. “I never lied. Sam and I did use a simple pole and hook and marshmallows to catch fish.” Leonard voiced his disbelief with a snort before Jim continued, “I just never told you how we saved up our credits to buy a good used fishing reel and pole that we took turns using.” He laughed at the disgruntled look on Leonard’s face. “C’mon, Bones, that’s not a lie.” 

Now that was a precious sound Leonard loved to hear, especially today, and even if meant that he had to have his reputation as a fisherman trampled to death under Jim’s feet, he was going do what he could to get Jim laugh again. 

Leonard turned back to look at his bobber and pulled gently on his neglected line. “Okay, Fisher Boy, did you _really_ go fishing with a pole and string?”

“ _Well_ ¬-” Jim strung out the word, making the corner of his lips curl up, “- it wasn’t _just_ a stick and some string. But it was a really basic old pole that my grandpa let Sam and me use. It barely had what qualified as a reel on it.” He chuckled. “Sam and I used to spend _hours_ digging up worms in our yard so that we could run down to the river by my grandpa’s farm and fish for the afternoon.” A nostalgic smile warmed his face, making his eyes crinkle. “Man, those were good times.” 

“Did you really use marshmallows as bait?” Leonard asked out of curiosity, but mostly to keep Jim talking about the good memories.

“Oh, yeah! We ran out of night crawlers one day, so I used some marshmallows and cheese from our lunch that we brought along. It worked great!” Jim looked out the corner of his eye at Leonard, his tone teasing. “Maybe you should have tried some of those today.” 

“Are you making snide remarks about my fishing ability, Jim?” 

Jim fiddled with his reel before shrugging. “I don’t know, Bones. Maybe we could put a little wager on who can catch more fish.” 

“Oh, yeah? What’s the wager?” Leonard looked over at his friend with narrowed eyes.

“Loser has to clean and cook all the fish.” 

Leonard gave Jim a steely look. “You’re on, Fisher Boy.” 

“Good, because I think I have a bite,” Jim said as he jerked back sharply on his pole. 

Leonard’s eyes snapped back to the water and saw what was clearly a large fish on the end of Jim’s line. Jim’s quiet laughter accompanied his expert handling of his reel, and he slowly worked the fish to the shore where Leonard – the sporting fisherman that he was – snagged it with a net so that Jim could reach in and pull it out. 

Holding the fish up, Jim said, “Guess fish eat marshmallows, huh?”

“Oh, shut up and put it in the bucket, you damn gloater,” Leonard muttered before walking back and picking his fishing pole up from where he left it. “Besides, this just means we’re tied is all.”

Jim laughed again, the pure and wonderful sound ringing through the hills around them, and the tension that Leonard had been feeling started to ease off his shoulders as he worked his line through the water. The fact that Jim was clearly having fun on his birthday was something that Leonard had hoped for from the beginning. 

But that didn’t mean that Leonard wasn’t going to try and win this little contest of theirs. 

~*~

Pushing aside his empty plate, Leonard watched as Jim grabbed his beer and leaned back in his tall stool, taking a long pull from the bottle. “Man, that cornmeal breading you put on that fish was way better than the one Sam and I used to make. I don’t think I can eat another bite.” He took the last drink from the bottle before asking, “What were the seasonings in it?” 

Giving Jim a sly smile, Leonard grabbed Jim’s plate as well as his own before getting up to take them around the bar into the small kitchen. “If I told you that, I’d have to marry you or kill you, because that recipe doesn’t go anywhere outside the McCoy family.” 

A big grin broke out over Leonard’s face at the loud snort he heard behind him, happy that Jim seemed more relaxed and content than he had all day. Leonard put the dishes into the recycler and the leftover food into the cooling unit, grabbing a couple of beers while there, before making his way around the bar and back to the living area of the great room. 

The two of them had spent the last remaining hours of daylight seeing who would come out the winner of their impromptu fishing contest. Seeing Jim smile while fishing and exchanging stories made it well worth the hour Leonard had spent cleaning, filleting and cooking Jim’s five fish to his two. 

And they set up another contest for tomorrow. Only this time, marshmallows and cheese were going to be the bait of the day, according to Jim. 

While Leonard had been working in the kitchen, Jim had moved from the kitchen counter to the large couch in front of the fire that burned invitingly in the fireplace of the great room. A well-used backgammon board, the ivory and brown disks set in their starting positions, was on the coffee table before Jim. Testimony that Jim had been snooping through the cupboards again while Leonard most likely had been occupied cleaning fish. He shook his head slightly as he exhaled a soft chuckle.

“You ever play, Bones?” Jim asked as he looked over his shoulder at the sound. 

Walking over to the other end of the couch, Leonard sat down and placed one of the bottles in front of Jim before he opened his, taking a long drink from it. “Yeah, I played a game or two with my dad,” he said casually before putting his bottle beside the board.

Jim shot him a wary look. “Is that anything like you playing ‘a game or two of poker’? Because if it is, we’re not playing for any stakes.” Jim grabbed one of the dice deftly off the board with his long fingers. “I still have nightmares about our first poker game together.” 

Jim picked up his cup from the table and dropped the die into it, shaking it back and forth as he stared intently at his friend, his brow wrinkling, trying to ascertain Leonard’s backgammon ability just by looking at him. 

A small, smug grin came out on Leonard’s face as Jim rolled a three. He might not have beaten Jim in their fishing contest today, but at least Jim knew Leonard could beat him hands down in a game of poker. 

Leonard leaned over, scooping up one of his own dice and dropping it into the cup that Jim was holding out for him. Their fingers brushed as Leonard took the cup, and he ignored the little tingle that sparked along his nerves as he shook the cup back and forth, the die making little clicking noises along with the soft cracking of the fire. 

“Can I help that you don’t have a poker face, Jim?” Leonard asked smugly. Jim’s disgusted sound told Leonard what he thought of that as the die Leonard rolled showed a five. 

Leonard was barely aware of passage of time. The logs in the fireplace burned down to a bright orange glow, and the empty beer bottles started to line the far length of the coffee table as they continued to play. The only thing Leonard was conscious of was the intense look of concentration on Jim’s face as he planned out his game strategy and the wide flash of his teeth when he soundly beat Leonard again and again over the evening hours. 

Jim flashed him another one of those smiles as he grabbed his half-full bottle of beer. “That makes how many games, Bones?” he asked before placing the bottle up to his grinning lips, taking a long drink. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Leonard said, pretending to complain as he rolled his hand through the air, telling Jim to get on with it. 

But how could he be upset with being trounced when Jim sat there with that carefree, shit-eating grin that Leonard had to admit he sometimes enjoyed seeing on Jim’s face? All the tension that Jim had carried in his body this morning was gone, and a relaxed and contented Jim sat beside him for only the second time since they came up here. 

He hated to risk that, but it looked like it was now or never for the birthday presents. 

Leonard stood up slowly from the couch, reaching his hands over his head and insouciantly stretching his back until he heard it quietly pop. “Why don’t’cha get the board set up for the next game. I’ll be right back.” He motioned to the hallway as he made the turn around the couch, hoping that Jim would think he needed to go to the bathroom again. 

“Bones?” 

It had been asked like a question, but Leonard’s stomach twisted at the hint of something else in Jim’s tone. He didn’t know what he did that tipped the kid off – this wasn’t Leonard’s only trip to the bathroom since they had started playing – but whatever it was, it sounded like wary and suspicious Jim was back again. 

 

Shit. He walked into the bedroom he was using. If nothing else, maybe he’d get Jim to accept his own present. After all, it _was_ really good bourbon.

When Leonard turned the corner back into the great room, his hands laden with Jim’s birthday presents, déjà vu hit him like a punch at the sight of Jim angrily crossing the room to get to the door, his coat around his stiff shoulders. 

Not again. 

“Just where the hell do ya think you’re goin’?” Leonard asked sharply. His heart started pounding. “It’s pitch black out there, Jim, and you yourself saw there are bears out there roaming around.” 

Leonard raced over to the bar and carefully placed the items in his hands on the surface before turning to face Jim. He was at the door with his hand on the doorknob, ready to pull it open. Leonard could practically feel the emotions rolling off Jim.

“Where the hell do you get off making this into a damn birthday party? I _told_ you I didn’t want any kind of celebration,” Jim snapped. His body was half turned, his eyes blazing blue with his anger, as his grip tightened on the knob. 

The sour taste of guilt filled Leonard’s mouth, and he swallowed it down so that he could answer in a soothing voice, hoping to get his friend to understand. “This isn’t a party, Jim. It’s just a few presents for you. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with getting’ a few presents on your birthday.”

From the hard look on his friend’s face, Jim didn't agree. “I don’t celebrate my birthday,” Jim stated emphatically. He turned to face Leonard, his arms hanging rigid at his side, his hands curled tightly into fists. 

No matter what amount of hurt Jim might be feeling, he was on his way to being fighting mad, and Leonard knew what the stages of that looked like. He needed to stop this. He needed to fess up and not make it worse. 

“I know,” Leonard responded softly.

“Then what the hell are you doing, Bones?” A look of betrayal was coursing through his friend’s eyes. “I told you no birthday party, no presents or any of that other shit. I can’t believe you did this after what I told you.” Jim jerked his chin at the items sitting beside Leonard on the counter. “You can just keep ‘em. I don’t want ‘em.” 

Leonard's voice was calm, but straight to the point. “Well, then _you_ can tell that to my mother when she calls to ask you how you liked the ones she sent.” 

Jim’s eyes widened before looking at the pile of presents. Well, that finally caught his attention. 

Leonard crossed his arms in front of his chest and raised his eyebrow, just daring Jim to brush off that future confrontation with his mother. He watched as Jim tried to maintain his righteous anger in the face of his strong feelings for Ellie McCoy, who had mothered him like her own son for the past year. 

Jim was the one that finally broke the strained silence, and he closed his eyes briefly before looking back up at Leonard. The storm of emotions in those blue eyes was dissipating slowly as Leonard watched. “Ellie sent me presents?” he asked roughly. He turned and took a good look at what Leonard had placed on the kitchen counter. “Are those cookies?” 

Leonard gave an ironic chuckle as he felt his chest loosen. “Of course they are, kid. She’s been sendin’ them to us for over a year now. You think she would have missed sendin’ you some on your birthday?” He motioned Jim away from the door, still fearful that Jim might change his mind and make a break for it. “Do you think you can come away from the door now? I can guarantee these things won’t bite.“ 

Jim shot him a look, and Leonard quickly backed away from teasing him. “Look, Jim. They’re just a couple of presents. No party hats, no noise makers, no clown doing funny animal balloons. Just a couple of presents from me and my mom. You can open them and then go back to not having a birthday.” 

Jim paused for a moment before he moved away from the door and pulled off his coat, throwing it over the bench that sat beside it. “That bottle-shaped one better damn well be something good to drink.”

Leonard let out a relieved chuckle. “It might be.” He nodded towards the living area. “Let’s go sit down so that you can open these up.” 

Jim still wasn’t exactly happy with this. Leonard could see it in the tightness across Jim’s brow, but Jim walked around the far end of the couch and settled back down on the cushion without another word. Grabbing the presents, Leonard followed and walked to the opposite end, placing the gifts on the open end of the coffee table beside his end of the backgammon board. 

Hoping that Jim would have his usual reaction to the sight of his mother’s homemade cookies, he grabbed the cookie container and handed it to Jim first. “I’m supposed to tell you that these are all yours, and that you don’t have to share them with anyone, including me. You can have them in your own room. Now you don’t have to come over to mine in order to get your daily cookie fix.” 

Jim’s eyes blinked at Leonard’s words, as he took the container in his hands. “My own cookies,” he mumbled, sitting there, staring down at it with an unreadable expression on his face for a few moments. Jim looked up at Leonard, and he could see the last vestige of Jim’s anger fade away before Jim asked, “Your mom didn’t send you any? That mean you have to come beggin’ to me for cookies for once?” 

“No, she did, but I still have to share them with you, you damn cookie monster.” Leonard could hear the hint of laughter in Jim’s soft exhale at the moniker, and it was enough to ease the worry still lurking inside him down a notch or two.

Jim pulled off the cover, putting it aside as he looked inside the container. “Ginger molasses. I love these.” Jim grabbed one and took a bite. Looking out of the corner of his eye, Jim considered for a moment before holding out the container to Leonard. 

Leonard grabbed one. “Thanks, but the rest are supposed to be for you.”

Jim swallowed before asking, “What kind did she send the two of us?” 

“Snickerdoodles.”

“You didn’t eat them all yet, did you?” Jim asked with a frown, chewing around another bite of cookie.

“No, that would be your job,” Leonard said knowingly before handing his mother’s other present to Jim. “Here’s another one from my mom.”

Jim paused before popping the rest of the cookie into his mouth. Putting the cover on the container, he place it on the floor by his feet before reaching out to accept the present Leonard held out for him. He tore off the wrapping, revealing a dark navy-blue sweater with a thick shawl collar. Jim held it in his hands reverently for a moment or two, his thumbs rubbing over the soft yarn. Leonard watched as Jim slipped it over his head and stuck his arms into the sleeves, pulling it down his chest and covering his white t-shirt. Jim held out his arms, checking the sleeve length, as he always did with every sweater that Leonard’s mother had made him. 

“Wow, Bones. I don’t know how she does it, but it fits perfectly.” Jim pulled his arms in and rubbed his hands over his sleeves. “And it’s warm, too.” 

Jim gave Leonard a small, conciliatory smile, and Leonard could see the apology mirrored in the blue of those eyes … eyes that were the same beautiful color as the sky had been that day. Leonard’s heart gave a strange leap at the sight. 

Whoa. That was a little weird. 

Leonard shifted nervously and grabbed the package containing the whiskey, hoping to cover up any evidence of his bizarre response. “Here, and this is meant for sipping and not guzzling,” he grumbled at Jim.

Grabbing it, Jim replied as he pulled the bottle out of the brightly colored sack, “When have I ever guzzled … Whoa! Holy shit, Bones!” His eyes were wide with amazement as they took in white-lettered label imprinted on the golden-brown bottle. “This is the _really_ good stuff.” 

Grinning to himself, Leonard popped up and went to the kitchen. He retrieved a couple of old fashioned glasses he had noticed in the cupboards earlier and brought them back to the living room. Jim opened the bottle and breathed in the woody and smoky aroma of bourbon aged for eight years, sighing contently with the smell. Jim leaned over, pouring a couple of fingers into each of the glasses, before setting the bottle carefully down on the table. 

Leonard picked up one of the glasses and held it up for a toast. “Happy birthday, Jim,” he said, moving the glass closer and waiting patiently for Jim to copy his action. 

Jim hesitated for just a second. He picked up his glass so that Leonard could clink his against it. Leonard took a long sip of the bourbon, enjoying the smooth burn down his throat, and he watched as Jim followed suit. 

“Boy, that’s good,” Jim said with his eyes closed blissfully after his own enjoyable burn. 

“Needed to be. It was for you.” 

Jim’s eyes snapped open and up to Leonard’s, and for a second, Leonard feared that he had said something that would set Jim off and out the door. He froze, afraid to do anything. Jim stared at him as if he was trying to discern something from Leonard’s face. Then, a moment later, his expression softened and he murmured, “Thanks, Bones.” 

And with those two words, for the first time since that conversation with his mother, Leonard’s insides relaxed, knowing that his friend was finally letting this day be his birthday. 

“You’re welcome, Jim, but we have one more.” He pushed the remaining present across the table. “This one is from my mom and me.” 

Jim gave Leonard a searching look before picking the present up. He removed the wrapping, this time taking special care, and his eyebrows rose high on his forehead when he saw the book in his hand. 

“Bones, where the hell did you find this?” Jim’s eyes flew over the front, reverently taking in the title and author, before slowly opening up the cover. 

Jim discovered the owner’s name, written inside on the title page in a black-ink scrawl, most likely still familiar to Jim from that day last year. Leonard answered softly, “It was my dad’s.” 

The words had barely cleared his lips before Jim’s head was shaking vehemently. He held the book out to Leonard. “I can’t take this, Bones. It was your _dad’s_.” 

Shaking his own head back at Jim, Leonard answered, “Jim, my mom and I have hundreds of my dad’s books.”

“Yeah, but this one looks like it was a favorite of his,” Jim said as he pulled it back to gently trace the wear on the edges of the cover with his long fingers. He abruptly stopped himself and pushed it back to his friend. “Take it.” 

Leonard refused to reach out for the book, letting Jim’s hand hang in the air. “Nope, I’m not taking it back,” he said, shaking his head and pointing to his friend. “ _You_ can just give it back to my mom and be the one to explain to her why you didn’t want to take the present she gave you.” 

Leonard worked hard to keep the smirk from breaking out over his face when he saw Jim twitch at that thought. Lowering his head in defeat, Jim pulled the poetry book back, opening the cover and looking again at the signed title page. 

“You know, Bones. You’ve been evoking your mother’s name a lot the past couple of days.” Jim’s lips twisted with a wry smile. “That can’t _possibly_ be on purpose, now can it?” Jim peeked up at Leonard with a knowing look. 

“Hey, I’m not goin’ to take the heat from that woman alone if she doesn’t get her way.“ 

“Oh, c’mon, Bones,” Jim scoffed. “Your mom wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“That’s what you think.” Leonard pointed to the book in Jim’s hands. “Just try and give that back to her, and see if you say the same thing afterwards. I’ll be the one standin’ and laughin’ over your whipped ass.” Leonard listened to Jim’s soft chuckle. 

“No, listen, Jim. My dad used to read that book whenever he had a bad day. He’d be sitting there in his study, with it in his hands, and Mama and I knew that we just needed to give him a little bit of time. He’d read that first poem there, sipping his own finger or two of bourbon, and within a half hour or so, he’d be able to put whatever had been buggin’ him aside. I think my mama wanted it to help you like it helped my daddy. And maybe help put some things into perspective for you.” 

Jim dropped his head as the air around them took a twist, and Jim’s expression turned pensive. Leonard could have kicked himself. Just when he got Jim’s mind off the history of the day, he had to open his big fat mouth. He watched Jim stare unseeingly at the book. Something needed to be done, and quick, to lighten this up or he’d end up with a sad Jim again. 

Wracking his brain, Leonard cursed the fact that he didn’t have another present to give Jim to distract him from what he had said. The soft light of the fire highlighted Jim’s hair and set the color of the bourbon to an amber glow, and suddenly, Leonard was reminded of the times his father had held the same pose, with the same book in his hand. 

An idea popped into his head. If it had worked for his dad, why not see if it would work for Jim, too? 

He nudged Jim in the arm. “Say, none of that now,” Leonard said softly, reaching over and sticking out his hand. “Give that here.” 

Jim gave a small sigh and placed the poetry book into Leonard’s hand. 

“I’m not much for poetry. It’s been ages since I’ve had to read it out loud in school, so I’ll probably stink at it. You’d probably do a whole lot better with the rhythm and whatever that meter stuff is, but you’re gonna just have to put up with me here.” Leonard arched his eyebrow at his friend. “So, no comments from the peanut gallery.” He kept his relieved smile to himself when he saw one of the corners of Jim’s lips twitch.

Leonard took the book and opened it to the title poem. He cleared his throat, determined to keep his public reading debut light and encouraging. 

 

_Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,_  
 _and remember what peace there may be in silence._

 

He emphasized the last word, looking pointedly at Jim, as he paused and raised his eyebrow. “Silence, Jim. You know what that is, right?” Even though Jim’s heart might not be in it, he gave Leonard a small, understanding smile, and he hoped that Jim would pick up the gauntlet that Leonard threw down before him. 

Leonard turned his attention back to the poem. 

 

_As far as possible, without surrender,_  
 _be on good terms with all persons._

 

The next part he made sure to accentuate. 

 

_Speak your truth quietly and clearly;_  
 _and listen to others,_  
 _even to the dull and the ignorant;_  
 _they too have their story._

 

Jim interrupted. “Sounds like something you should be thinking about, too, Bones.” 

The growing tension in Leonard’s body eased back a bit. Now that comment sounded more like the Jim Kirk he knew and cared for. 

“Hush, you. Just let me finish,” Leonard said, mock-glaring at his friend. 

 

_Avoid loud and aggressive persons;_  
 _they are vexations to the spirit._

 

“Guess that means I can’t hang around you anymore.” 

Leonard didn’t even bother to comment. He leveled a look his mother would have been proud of. Jim pretended to zip his lips closed. 

Jim remained blessedly silent through the rest of the poem, but sat forward as Leonard worked his way to the end. With the last three stanzas, Leonard purposely changed his tone, losing the light-hearted manner in which he had been reading, slowing his tempo so that Jim could hear and understand every word. 

 

_Beyond a wholesome discipline,_  
 _be gentle with yourself._  
 _You are a child of the universe_  
 _no less than the trees and the stars;_  
 _you have a right to be here_  
 _And whether or not it is clear to you,_  
 _no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should._

_Therefore be at peace with God,_  
 _whatever you conceive Him to be._  
 _And whatever your labors and aspirations,_  
 _in the noisy confusion of life,_  
 _keep peace in your soul._

_With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,_  
 _it is still a beautiful world._  
 _Be cheerful. Strive to be happy_.

 

Both of them let the silence stretch between them, lost in the thoughts in their own heads. Leonard closed the book slowly and pushed it over the couch to his friend. “I have lots of poetry books that were my dad’s, Jim. Both me and my mom want you to have this one because of that particular poem. I know that my _dad_ would have wanted you to have it, too.” 

Jim looked down at the small book pushed against his thigh and took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. He picked it up and held it in one hand as the other hand stroked lovingly over the cover. “Thanks, Bones, and tell your mom thank you, too. I’ll treasure this and take good care of it.” His eyes finally met Leonard’s with a hint of moisture in the corners. “Thanks.” 

And he knew that Jim was thanking him for more than the presents.

Leonard leaned over and clamped his hand over Jim’s shoulder. “You’re welcome.” He cleared his throat of a mysterious lump that had sprung up before continuing, “Do you think you’re up for some dessert?”

The corners of Jim’s mouth turned down as he warned, “If you bring out a birthday cake, Bones …” 

Leonard ignored his friend and walked to the kitchen to take out the food container he'd hidden the night before. He opened it and drew out the pie, exaggerating the motion as he showed the dessert to his friend, who was watching him over the back of the couch. “It’s not a cake, Jim. It’s a _pie_ , and if memory serves me correctly, it’s one of your favorites: strawberry-rhubarb.” 

Jim narrowed his eyes at the offending dessert as if he suspected an ulterior motive for its appearance. “What’s it for?”

“It’s for eating,” Leonard answered drily. 

He grabbed two plates, a knife, two forks and slipped another small item into his pocket before returning to the living room. Leonard placed them on the surface of the table before continuing, “You’re gonna eat it, and before you even start to complain, you should know the hell I went through to get this pie.” He looked at his friend to convey the seriousness of what he was going to tell him. “I had to call my great-aunt Susan and talk her out of her secret family recipe.” 

Jim stared at him, clearly unimpressed, and suddenly all the frustrations from the sneaking around, from all the plans that Leonard had to make, from all the worries that he went through, flew to the surface and he zeroed his eyes into Jim’s. 

“Do you know what I had to go through in order to get that out of her hypochondriac hands?” He didn’t let Jim respond. “Sixty-three minutes of hearing about every goddamn ache and pain the insufferable woman has had in the last decade, Jim! In every goddamn minute detail. You are gonna eat a piece of this pie, which by the way I had to make by myself, and I won’t _even_ go into the shit I had to put up with, tryin’ to find the ingredients, and you are gonna enjoy every last fuckin’ bite!” 

He was breathing heavily by the time he finished, and Jim’s eyes were round with surprise. “Okay, Bones,” Jim said, reaching out and patting Leonard’s leg. “Just chill. I’ll eat it.” 

Leonard reached into his pocket and jammed a candle into the middle of the pie. “Shut up,” he commanded before Jim could open his mouth. “My mom is going to ask you if you made a wish, and you’re not gonna lie to her.” He stomped over to the fireplace and pulled out a match, striking it on the bricks. He came back to the table and lit the candle. “Now make a goddamn wish and blow the damn thing out!” He pointed at the candle before throwing the extinguished match towards the glow in the fireplace. 

By the time Leonard finished with his diatribe, Jim was smirking, not even trying to hide it in the face of Leonard’s ire. Leonard glared, and Jim just shook his head in amusement, giving into Leonard’s order without making further comment. Leonard watched a serious look come over Jim’s face as he contemplated the candle. Leonard stood quietly, not wanting to break the weirdly charged moment. Jim’s shoulders suddenly relaxed, and he leaned forward with his lips pursed to blow out his candle. 

Just before the breath left his lips, Jim looked up, his eyes connecting with Leonard’s. The intensity of his gaze stilled the breath in Leonard’s lungs, and he felt that small, warm place in his chest where thoughts of Jim lived, flare and fill the cavity like the warmth from a fireplace on a cold winter’s day. His heart started to pound, and Leonard forced his lungs to work again as he sucked in a deep breath. With great effort, he pulled his eyes away from Jim, breaking the strange connection between them by watching the wisp of smoke float away from the candle. 

What the hell? Leonard struggled to even out his breathing, feeling his nostrils flare as he tried to take deeper and slower breaths, waiting for his heart rate to settle down. What the fuck was that? He had heard people – mostly the following of women that Jim seemed to attract wherever he went – talk about the power of Jim’s blue eyes, but he had never felt something like that before. 

It was damn unsettling, and not something that he wanted to think about now – and maybe ever. Leonard played with his bottom lip. He was going to chalk it up to the stress and relief of pulling all this off without losing his best friend. And nothing else. 

“So, these birthday wishes …” Jim broke off, pulling Leonard’s attention and thoughts back. 

Jim was sitting forward on the couch, his hands gripped loosely around the edges of the pie pan, as he stared at the extinguished candle with a small frown. “Do they come true?” 

Leonard wondered how Jim didn’t seem to know the basics of birthday traditions. “Uhm … ah, well, it all depends.” 

“On what?” Jim asked as he pulled the candle from the pie and laid it down on the table. 

“On whether you keep it a secret or not.” 

Leonard was happy to focus on something else beside his body deciding to act like a pubescent girl’s. He walked over and sat on the couch before grabbing the knife and pulling the pie out of Jim’s hands and over in front of him. 

“If you tell someone your wish, then it won’t come true,” he explained. Leonard cut into the pie, making the pieces large enough for them to enjoy, putting the traditional first piece on Jim’s plate and sliding it closer to him. 

“So, secrecy is the key, huh?” Jim grabbed his plate and leaned over to snatch one of the forks, as he seemed to ponder that. 

Jim sat back on the couch, cutting off a forkful of the pie, and took his first bite. His satisfied moan was almost orgasmic, and a place deep in Leonard’s gut jerked. “Oh, damn, Bones. This is fantastic!” Jim cut himself another bite, humming again with delight. “You McCoys have the best damn recipes. Hell, I’ll marry you just to have the fish and this pie again.” 

Leonard’s heart did a curious skip. He stuck his own forkful in his mouth to cover up his disquiet at his lack of control over his body. What the hell was going on with him today? 

Gathering some control, Leonard focused on eating his own piece of pie. They ate without visiting, listening to the clinking of silverware and the crackling of the fire. Never giving up the opportunity to get more food into his best friend’s lean body, Leonard slid another piece onto Jim’s empty plate, then sat back and watched as Jim devoured that one, only at a slower pace than the first. 

Content that he had filled Jim up, Leonard leaned over and grabbed the whiskey bottle, raising it up with a question on his face and getting an answering nod, and poured each of them another finger. They sat sipping, staring at the glowing embers in the fireplace before them, as they slumped against the back of the couch, their feet resting on the edge of the coffee table. 

“Looks like we need another log,” Jim said, setting his glass down before getting up and tending to the fire. Once the screen was returned to its proper place, he remained standing there, lost in his thoughts, as firelight played over his bowed face. 

“Jim?” Leonard asked softly.

Raising his head and drawing a deep breath, Jim turned sharply and walked back to the door, grabbing up his jacket still lying on the box. 

Fuck, was Jim going to leave? Leonard’s heart leaped in his chest. 

Before Leonard could move to intercept, Jim pulled out a small PADD from one of the pockets and threw his jacket back down. He stood quietly looking at the device in his hands, with a hint of sorrow around his eyes. 

With clarity born almost of clairvoyance, Leonard knew what his friend was holding. 

The _Kelvin_ tape. 

Leonard knew that Jim had listened to it before, learning that bit of news last year when he had gotten his own message from the past through a letter from his dad. Fuck. He should have known that Jim would be thinking of listening to it again today of all days.

Leonard cleared his throat. “Is that what I think it is, Jim?” he asked as he set his glass down. 

Jim didn’t take his eyes off the PADD. “Yeah, it’s the recording of my mom and dad after I was born.” He cleared his own throat before bringing his eyes up to Leonard’s. “Would you listen to it with me? I just think …” His voice trailed off, and with that, Leonard decided it was time to take a firm stand for his friend, as Jim had done for him. 

He stood and made his way over to his friend, holding out his hand for the PADD. Jim’s brow crinkled, but he silently placed the PADD in Leonard’s outstretched hand. 

“Jim, any time, any place, and I will gladly listen to this with you.” He watched a small but sad smile appear on the corners of his friend’s mouth, before he continued, “But not today, Jim. Let’s just let the rest of today be about your birthday and nothing else.” 

He could see the start of an argument start building inside of Jim, and he jumped to stop it before it could start. “For me, Jim. Do it for me,” Leonard requested, hoping the trust Jim seemed to have in him would be enough.

Jim’s expressive eyebrows furrowed as he thought about it. Leonard could almost see the argument Jim was having with Leonard in his head, but eventually, Jim nodded. Quickly taking advantage of that before Jim could change his mind, Leonard walked back to his side of the couch and placed the PADD on the far corner of the coffee table, well out of easy reach from Jim’s side. 

Leonard motioned to the board on the table as Jim made his way back to the couch. “How about another game of backgammon while I tell you about the time that my cousin Pam decided to dress up my great-aunt Susan’s prize-winning pig and tried to get it to jump out of a cake at my 17th birthday.” He sat down, holding out Jim’s dice cup to him, wiggling it so that the dice clacked together. “It would have been pretty funny, if the damn pig hadn’t decided to try and eat its way out of the cake …”

~*~

“Bones.” 

The soft word and the insistent shaking of his shoulder brought Leonard out of what had been a damn good sleep, and he growled his displeasure at the disturbance. “ _What?_ ”

“C’mon, Bones. I have something to show you,” Jim said as he tried to pull back Leonard’s warm covers. 

Grumbling, Leonard clutched at his cocoon of blankets and quilts. Even half awake, he knew it was freezing cold in his room. He could feel the cool air on his face, and his body and brain protested the thought of getting out of bed, especially after staying up and talking with Jim. 

Those numerous fingers of bourbon didn’t help either. 

“Are you hurt?” Leonard asked gruffly just to make sure, keeping his eyes firmly closed and attempting to keep at least part of his mind from fully waking up so that he could fall back to sleep. 

“No.”

“Anyone bleedin’?”

Jim answered with a soft chuckle. “Not that I know of.”

“Then, damn it, Jim. Go away and let me be. I’m on vacation,” Leonard grumbled as he tried to hitch the covers back up over his arms, only to have them pulled out of his grip from the weight of Jim’s body sitting on them. 

Grabbing the covers with his left hand, Leonard blindly used his right one to clumsily motion Jim to get off, hitting Jim’s leg hard in the process and sending a vibration up through his arm to his head. The dull ache that had rested there roared to his attention. 

“Ow.”

“C’mon, Bones. Please? I wanna show you something.”

It wasn’t what Jim said, but how he said it that caught Leonard’s attention. Leonard forced his gritty eyes open. Jim was sitting on the edge of Leonard’s bed, his face half illuminated by the soft light from the hallway. An anxious smile was turning up the corners of his mouth while his blue eyes echoed the plea Leonard heard in his voice, and Leonard gave up any thought of going back to sleep. 

He blinked several times, attempting to get the sleep out of them as he took in the full sight of his friend. Jim looked ready to head outside, wearing a jacket over top of the sweater Leonard's mom had given him. Leonard turned his head and looked out of the bedroom window to get an idea of what time it was. The soft light from the moon barely lit the sight out of the window. 

It was still dark outside.

“It’s the middle of the damn night, Jim.” 

“It’s not the middle of the night. It’s already 05:40.” Smiling now that he could see that Leonard was fully awake, Jim patted Leonard’s leg over the covers as he said encouragingly, “C’mon, Bones. Get up. It’ll be worth your while. I wanna show you something I found yesterday.” He stood up and made his way to the door. 

Leonard sat up and stretched, his muscles voicing their displeasure at being denied their needed rest in a warm, cozy bed. He sighed in resignation. “All right, I’ll get up, but if there ain’t a strong cup of coffee waitin’ for me when I get to the kitchen, I promise you that I’ll throw you in the lake and then go back to bed.” 

Jim’s answering chuckle was his only response as he left Leonard’s room. 

Later, Leonard walked into the great room, dressed in as many warm layers as he could fit under his own jacket in preparation for the chilly temperatures outside. He walked over to Jim’s side, not saying a word, and just stuck out his hand. 

Jim handed Leonard a large thermos. His friend was no dummy.

Leonard took a long sip of just-right coffee, feeling the rich, black brew slide down his throat, delivering the needed caffeine to his system. “Hmm. You’re damn lucky the Sulus believe in some really good coffee. The chances of you remaining dry when we walk out that door have just improved.” 

Laughing softly, Jim handed him a backpack. “There’s flashlights and some food in there, along with your medkit. You can store your thermos in the pocket on the side and still get to it while we’re walking.” 

One word stood out. “ _Walking?_ You mean we’re not just sticking around here? Jim, it’s pitch black out there. How the hell are we gonna even see anything, let alone be able to walk?” 

“Nah, Bones. There’s a waning gibbous moon out there. We’ll have light. Besides, we have flashlights, and I know exactly where we’re going,” Jim said, his eyes bright and eager.

The sight pushed away the malcontent thoughts and left something warmer in their wake. Maybe, just maybe it was worth getting out of a warm bed at the ass-crack of dawn to see that happy demeanor once again on his friend’s face. Not that he’d let Jim know that any time soon. 

Instead, Leonard rolled his eyes, conceding the point, as he put the backpack over his shoulders, keeping the thermos in his hand where he could get to it. “And did you forget the little problem of that damn black bear out there?” he asked. 

Jim pulled out a type-1 phaser from one of his jacket pockets, showing it in the palm of his hand. “We have these, Bones, and I know that yours is still in your jacket pocket.” He put it back. “Trust me, Bones. This will be worth our while.” 

He must be a damn fool because he did trust Jim, and after the turmoil of yesterday, he wasn’t going to let Jim out of sight today if he could help it, especially when Jim was asking him to go along this time. 

Leonard reached back and stuck the thermos in the side pocket of the backpack. “Yeah, just what I needed to make my weekend even more relaxing: tramping through the dark in a forest that I don’t know, trying to avoid a hungry and mean bear.” He tightened the strap around his waist with a sharp pull. He flipped his hand out, brushing Jim to the door. “Well, let’s get on with this. If we hurry up, I might be able to sneak a nap in later.” 

A huge smile came over Jim’s face, and he slapped his hand down over Leonard’s shoulder in thanks, leaving a warm feeling there that spread through Leonard’s body faster than the coffee had. 

Jim opened the door and let Leonard out before him with a flourish of his arm. “You’re not gonna be thinking about a nap once you see where we are going,” he promised.

Forty-five minutes later, after hiking up and through the tree-covered hills surround the lake, guided by their flashlights and luminous markers that Jim had clearly tied on tree limbs yesterday in preparation for this early morning hike, the two of them broke through the pine trees and stepped out into a grassy clearing. 

Both of them were drawn to the ridge at the end of the clearing, visible in the glow of the moonlight. They made their way cautiously to the end, and with Jim’s urging, they turned off their flashlights, letting the moon provide their only source of light. Down below them, Leonard could hear the soft lap of waves on the lake below. It was a slightly different hue of dark than the surrounding hills, barely lit by the setting moon behind them. 

In the fresh, cold morning air, Leonard raised his head and looked around, trying to get his bearings from what he knew of the lake. They must be facing east, if Leonard’s twisted sense of direction hadn’t failed him. He watched Jim confidently make his way the few steps over to the edge, pulling his backpack off his shoulders and placing it at his right side. 

Gasping, Leonard shot forward and reached out, grabbing Jim by the shoulder. “Jim, you don’t know if there’s any loose rocks there or not. They could fall right out underneath you.” 

Jim lightly shook off Leonard’s hand before reassuring him as he sat down. “Nah, there aren't any. I checked it out yesterday when I found this place. It’s solid as a rock, Bones.” He patted the ground beside him.

Leonard huffed. Then, following his friend’s motion, he put his backpack down and sat by Jim’s open side. Leonard gathered his courage and leaned forward, peering carefully over his knees. There looked to be a ledge a couple of meters below them, so at least they weren’t hanging out over the lake, ready to fall to their death if this ledge tore away. 

Appeased now that neither he nor Jim was in a perilous position, Leonard looked around and took in his surroundings. Off to their left was the softly lit peak of Mt. Shasta, its snowy crown looking pale blue in the waning moonlight. Resting below them was the McCloud arm of the lake where they were staying. Beyond that, the hills that transversed the opposite side of the lake, something that Leonard had seen a lot of yesterday. Leonard could hear the beginning pre-dawn calls of some of the birds that lived in the area, their sounds filling the silence in the quiet air around them. 

It looked to be a beautiful location, and the fact that he wanted to share this with Leonard made all the little bits of cantankerous mutterings he had been shooting at Jim since leaving the cabin melt away. Leonard took a deep breath of the crisp, clean air, and pulled the peace and calm into his lungs. 

“Wow, Jim. It’s beautiful,” Leonard said. 

Jim chuckled. “You ain’t seen nothing yet, Bones,” he promised. 

The two of them sat there, the cold of the rocks below them slowly seeping through their clothing, which Leonard couldn’t help pointing out to Jim. It was a while before the blackened sky started to take on a softer color before them, and nature slowly began its daily unveiling, stealing Leonard’s attention from the cold. 

A band of rose-colored light started to peek over the hills, catching and bathing the top of the mountain to their left. Leonard watched as the soft light started to travel down the mountainside and expand to the hills below. 

The lake, which in the dark had been almost indistinguishable from the hills, started to take on a deep blue hue. Leonard watched as more and more colors of blue broke across the rippled surface, bands of indigo and Prussian blue appearing before his eyes, and it literally took his breath away. 

The forest green of the farther hills to their left showed in the gathering light of sunrise, and Leonard watched as the light traveled over them, getting closer and closer to where they were sitting. Even though it was cold out, Leonard could swear he could feel the warmth of the rays as they broke over the far peaks in front of them. He sat there, content to drink in the serenity of morning, as the sun rose visibly over the horizon. 

A stillness came over him, and he released a relaxed breath. Jim was right. It was just what he needed. He really should quit his belly-aching and thank Jim for bringing his stubborn ass out here and sharing this with him. He turned to his friend. 

Jim sat bathed in the golden light of the morning with the most beautiful and peaceful smile Leonard had ever seen on his friend’s face. Something in his chest that he thought had died a long time ago sprang back to life. And right then, Leonard knew. Knew what his body had known all along and had been trying to tell him. 

He was in love with his best friend. 

Ah, shit. He didn’t know what to think. Leonard waited for the tell-tale signs of panic to hit him, but his heart maintained its normal sinus rhythm, oblivious to the fact that his mind had finally caught up with the rest of him. 

He should be panicking, shouldn’t he? Leonard’s track record in relationships and love was horrible, and that was putting it nicely. Now, for the first time in his life, he was in love with a man, and that man was his best friend. On top of it all, Jim didn’t do love in any sense of the word, from what Leonard saw. This should be worrying him, right? _Right?_

His heart rate started to pick up. Okay, maybe he was a little scared. The familiar temptation to shove these feelings back down was starting to grow. Leonard shook his head. No. It was time to be fucking honest. These feelings about Jim had obviously been a part of him for a long time, a lot longer than his stubborn, ignorant mind had known. Would they go anywhere? He paused. Did it really matter?

Leonard watched Jim sit contently, the slight breeze blowing his blond hair. Ya know what? Right now, he didn’t care. That’s not what this weekend was for. Hell, Jim was finally happy, and all he cared about was taking care of Jim. 

Like Jim did had done for him. Like they did for each other. He needed Jim, and whether the kid would admit it or not, Jim needed him, too. 

Leonard pulled his eyes away and watched as the wisp of clouds above them turned from dusty purple to rose to apricot to white in the glowing light of day. Jim would give him a run for his money, with his crazy schemes and insubordinate encounters with authority figures. But no matter what, he was going to be there for Jim, providing the support and the kick in the pants when the damn idiot needed it. 

One more year at the Academy, and then they were off to their assignments. If he had anything to say about it, he’d stay by Jim’s side, overturning heaven and earth to make sure that happened. Too many people had left Jim in the past, never giving him the sense that he had a safe place to come home to – something that everyone needed. And because of that, Jim had floundered. 

Now Jim was finally on a course that he loved, one that he excelled in, and damn it, Leonard was going to do his part to make sure that Jim didn’t fuck that up. Jim Kirk was a good man, and Leonard wanted to be there when he became a great man. He could feel it down to his bones that Jim was destined to do extraordinary things, and he was going to make sure he was there for Jim, giving him the refuge Jim never had before. 

Even if his love could only be shown through the steadfastness of their friendship.

“Didn’t I tell you that you wouldn’t want to miss this?” Jim asked, unaware of the flurry of thoughts inside Leonard’s mind. 

Leonard had to compose his face before he turned back to his friend and replied gruffly, “Yeah, you did, Jim. You were right. This was a beautiful sight.” 

“I just knew this was the best place to be this morning,” Jim murmured, still looking out over the hills. 

Leonard reached out and grabbed Jim’s forearm with his hand. A tingle went up his arm. He gave Jim’s arm a little squeeze as he said, “Thanks for sharing it with me, Jim,” before breaking contact and going back to watch the life around the lake start to stir. 

A movement to the side dragged his eyes back to his friend. Jim pulled a familiar-looking PADD from his inner pocket of his jacket, and if Leonard’s eyes and the feel of the warm rays on his face hadn’t told him differently, he would have sworn that a cloud had passed over the rising sun. Suddenly, the serene and peaceful morning slipped away. 

Jim looked down at the PADD in his hand. “I know that I asked if you would listen to this with me …”

“And I will -,” Leonard vowed as he watched a tiny twitch of something go quickly over Jim’s face before he amended, “- If that’s what you _really_ want.” 

Jim’s shoulders rose with his deeply drawn breath as he looked out over the landscape in front of them. “That’s just it, Bones. I don’t know if I want to or not.” His intense blue eyes swung over and locked on his. “I feel … guilty, not wanting to hear it all again. That I don’t acknowledge what my dad sacrificed for me, but …” Jim’s words faded as he struggled to put his thoughts into words. 

“Maybe once was enough,” Leonard suggested softly.

“Maybe,” Jim echoed, not very convincingly. 

Leonard struggled to think of some words of wisdom, something that could reassure Jim because, damn it, Jim deserved to be able to live his own life without having to constantly carry the burden of his dad’s life right along with his own. 

Then it came to him. “Or maybe you can acknowledge it by living your own life, Jim. The way it was meant to be.” And Leonard repeated the familiar words that he had read to Jim last night, the ones that reminded him of Jim: 

_You are a child of the universe_  
 _no less than the trees and the stars;_  
 _you have a right to be here_  
 _And whether or not it is clear to you,_  
 _no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should._

Jim sat quietly as the words faded away. A bald eagle took flight from the highest point across the way, and Leonard followed its ascent until he heard Jim's quiet words.

_Therefore be at peace with God,_  
 _whatever you conceive Him to be._  
 _And whatever your labors and aspirations,_  
 _in the noisy confusion of life,_  
 _keep peace in your soul._

_With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,_  
 _it is still a beautiful world._  
 _Be cheerful. Strive to be happy._

Leonard reached over and placed his hand on Jim’s shoulder. “It’s okay to be happy, Jim. Don’t you think that’s what your dad would want you to do?” 

Jim looked at the PADD in his hand for a long moment, as if he could see the sounds and words that were stored on it. Then he drew back his arm to throw the PADD to its destruction on the rocks of the shore below.

Panicking, Leonard grabbed his arm. “Wait!”

“What the hell, Bones?”

Leonard pushed Jim’s hand back to his lap, keeping his own hand firmly on top of Jim’s. “Just tell me. How hard was it to get this recording in the first place?” 

Jim’s head dipped sheepishly, and Leonard’s eyes closed for a moment, knowing that _illegal_ or at the very least, _unethical_ might be somehow involved. 

“Don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know. But Jim, someday you might –“ Jim was already shaking his head no, and Leonard spoke a little louder, “ – you might want to have this. It’s no different than my letters, and you quoted me some sayin’ about not destroyin’ them. Maybe you shouldn’t destroy this either.” 

“I thought you of all people wouldn’t want me to dwell on this and would love to see me get rid of it,” Jim said. 

“No, Jim. I don’t want you to dwell on it, but I don’t want you to do anything you might regret later either. I still have my dad’s last letter. Don’t think I’ll ever want to read it again, but at least I have that option in case I do. You taught me that, Jim.”

Jim was already shaking his head. “No. If I have it, I’ll know I’ll be tempted to listen to it … especially when I start to miss my dad,” he admitted softly.

Leonard held out his hand, wiggling his fingers. “Then give it to me. I’ll keep it safe for you, in case you ever do want it. All you’ll have to do is ask for it.” 

Jim stared at him. “You’d do that?”

Leonard didn’t hesitate to answer, “Of course I would. I’d do anything for you, Jim.” 

Jim got a funny look on his face, and he dropped his head to look at the PADD, sitting on his lap, still covered by their hands. He drew a deep breath, and his shoulders relaxed as he turned the PADD over and pushed it into Leonard’s hand. 

“Will you keep it safe for me, Bones? Put it with your dad’s letter, okay?”

“Yeah, I will,” he promised Jim before putting it in his backpack. 

“Thanks, Bones,” Jim said quietly, and Leonard could hear the slight hesitation in Jim’s voice as he continued. “For that and my birthday and all. Haven’t really had a birthday for a while now.”

“When was the last one?” Leonard asked, trying to keep his tone casual.

Jim thought for a while. “Probably when I was six years old.” 

Leonard’s heart felt like it was being physically squeezed, but he worked to keep that from showing on his face or in his voice. “Hmm. Why’d they stop then?”

“That’s when I was invited to my first and only birthday party. Johnny Campbell. A kid who went to school with me. “

“I don’t understand.”

“That’s when I realized that all mothers didn’t have to go off into their bedrooms and cry after someone opened up their presents and had birthday cake.” Jim looked out over the scenery below their feet. “Next birthday I told my mom that I was too big for a party, and birthdays after that just kinda petered out.” Jim drew his lips into a thin line. “Just couldn’t put her through that anymore.” 

Leonard’s heart broke a little. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? He knew that if he expressed any sympathy, Jim would read it as pity and clam up tighter than a drum, and Leonard didn’t want to lose the progress that he had made with Jim. But, damn it, the kid deserved to be able to celebrate his own damn birthday … 

And he and his mother would make sure of that. 

“Birthdays are always a huge thing in my family. Whole day events with every damn relative coming out of the woodwork to descend on you. Great when you’re a kid and all you think of is how many presents you’re gonna get. Damn annoying when you get a little older.“ He heard a quiet snort from Jim.

Leonard turned his head and stared at Jim until the weight of his gaze made Jim look back at him. “Unfortunately for you, kid, my mother now has her sights and claws into you, even if it is through me. And I’ll have to warn ya. You’ll be in for some type of birthday from now until forever.” 

Jim had a small, bashful smile on his face. “Okay. I stand warned.” 

Jim turned away, slightly embarrassed and clearly wanting to change the topic of conversation to a more comfortable subject. “So, Bones. Did I ever tell you about the time that Sam and Dad went out fishing with Grandpa?” 

“No, I don’t think you have,” Leonard answered, letting Jim get away with the non sequitur. In all the time that he had known Jim, Jim had never relayed any stories about his dad other than comments about him being a hero. No way was he going to keep from hearing this story, especially since it sounded like it would be a happy one for his friend. 

Jim smiled. “I guess it was when Sam was about five years old, and Dad was home between missions. Grandpa had promised Sam that he’d teach him how to fish, so when Dad came home …”

Leonard let Jim’s words wash over him, along with the quiet pleasure Jim was taking from the shared memory of his father. It was the first time Jim had looked at peace when thinking or talking about his dad. 

Leonard knew that he hadn’t fully convinced Jim that he should enjoy his birthday like other people did. He'd had too many years of conditioning to believe the opposite. But, if Leonard had anything to say about the matter, he was going to use the upcoming years to slowly show Jim that he _deserved_ to have his birthday. 

And maybe, if Leonard was lucky, show Jim that he deserved to be loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Of all the hours of videos and pictures I went through researching, this was my favorite. This is a beautiful video of a sunset on [Lake Shasta](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTt_ZyDd6Yg). It's not quite the same as what Jim and Bones saw, but it is still breathtaking.


End file.
